Who selected Simi?

There's a new show on TV. 

New = a month old.

Now normally I would've written about it the day after the first show.

But, why did I wait so long?

I just needed to let it all settle in.

And have a couple of limeshots to digest Simi Garewal with her 'Can you guess my age' wrinkle free face dressed in all white while juggling between playing the roles of intrusive therapist, concerned but annoying friend and a flirty 16 year old named Kiki to name a few. 

Multi-faceted she sure is.

The show is called Simi Selects India's Most Desirable. 

But, who selected Simi?
Who let the Simi out?
Who? WHO? Who? WHo?

Trying hard to compete with other (successful) talk shows, Simi tried to jump the shark and returned after many years on this new show with an all new avatar. Or so she thought.

Segments:

It all starts with let's talk about everything that's you.
Simi calls it Personality Café.

5 minutes later the show turns into let's talk about your love life and when you're getting married.

Then comes the parents segment.

So, this is not even a real segment. The parents just seem to pop by every now and then out of nowhere like the Great Gazoo and give their opinions on every question that is asked to their celebrity child. Sometimes you wonder if they're hiding backstage. How could they pre-record and be ready for every possible question and answer.

After this comes the talk (police interrogation) about their partner/ ex-partner, have their parents comment on their partner/ ex-partner or just who they think is good looking (like we care).

Then comes the part where the celebrity can show off a skill. This could range from making food, drinks to even singing or dancing. Wow, now those are some serious talents (not).

And then we move onto the Tarot segment.

Oooooh!

A little rotating wall reveals a Tarot card reader with a table, cards and a wall with a spacey design et al. Festive!

The super smart tarot card reader pretty much tells us what we've already read about the celebrity in Bombay Times/ exactly what you wish to hear so everyone can go home smiling.

And if they don't have questions, not to worry, Simiji (yes, people seriously call her that) has a whole bunch ready.

I think she was called Simi Aunty by some of the young celebs (star kids who grew up playing in her garden) but then probably said Aunty mut kaho na and got away with a respectful ji.

After this you yaaaaaawn.

Lady Simi then gives you a well edited sneak peek into next week's episode that basically tries to trick you into believing that the celebrity said something that's not politically correct. Hoping to get an Oh my God or Haw reaction.

Then we have The Minefield - a Q & A segment where the celebrity is asked questions they really don't want to answer. Dodging her questions somehow seems more difficult than dodging mines and if you don't answer, the question is simply rephrased and asked again in a very 'concerned' tone.

Simi then tries to make it interesting by playing a game that people who are a quarter of her age love to play - Never have I ever -  which she twists into I Have Never. It's normally played as a drinking game. And honestly whenever I have played it, I have lied. Unless I was just very 'thirsty' that day.
With no alcohol involved, and nothing stopping the celebrities from lying, it's just another pointless segment.

And then we return to watch the annoying audience be dangerously intrusive and bore us with more questions in a segment called Truth Bucket - which is when you wish someone would just tell them it's none of their business.

If they don't answer the penalty is a hug. Original.

You can totally see how the boys purposely ask inappropriate questions just to get a hug from a hot celebrity. Eeks. And one lucky questioner gets a Neutrogena hamper that has been signed by the celebrity guest. I dont know what the excitement is all about. It's Neutrogena not Apple.

And then it all comes to an end. No, not the world. Just the show.

The celebrity draws a self portrait in less than a minute.

No, it's not a game. It's just because they really don't care.

Simi auctions the artwork (on the net).
The common man (me etc) is supposed to bid for it and the proceeds go to charity.

Finally the celebrity leaves with a really big weird trophy which I'm sure they wouldn't be keeping in their living room since being on her show isn't exactly an achievement.

Will I watch it next week?

Ofcourse I will.

I'm a mean girl who loves giving mean comments while watching TV and eating junk food.
Especially on Sundays.

Now about the special guests:
I'm bored of bitching so let' make it quick and painless.

Ranbir Kapoor: Not fooling anyone.

Neetu Singh (not a guest but had as much face-time as Ranbir on the show): Mother obsessed with her Aankhon ka taara.

Deepika Padukone: I like her so I won't be mean.

Siddhartha Mallya: Surprisingly likeable. Love his confidence.

Sonakshi Sinha: For an actress who is in her twenties, she has a curfew? And cries if her father cuts himself while shaving?

John Abraham: I didn't really watch this one. I was busy focusing on whether his arm is bigger than my face. Plus he pronounces prayer as pray-year.

Sonam Kapoor: Refreshing and honest.

Advice to Simi: Spend a day with Graham Norton (love him). Learn a thing or two about creating a fun show.

Tip: Note the undertones of sarcasm in this blogpost for full effect.

Thank You #6

Inspired by thxthxthx.

Concept & design by me. 

Photo by Akshaya.

Life is full of difficult choices

When I woke up this morning, this is what I was faced with...

What should I wear today?

Photo by Stylestyx.
Awesome doodle by me.

When love & Love collide

I was a fussy eater and I still am sometimes (can't eat green things). 

But I do enjoy everything else. It's like a celebration in my mouth.

When it's health food - I Eat to Live.

When its dessert / fried - I Live to Eat.

80% of my meals are not salad-like and so I make up for it by doing Yoga 3 times a week.

So when I found this, I was obviously very amused.

by Baked Ideas.

Two of my loves = food ♥ yoga.

I hope to make these someday. I wish I could cook. And well too.

I don't think making maggi and papad really allow me to call myself a chef. And after my papad episode, I quit eating it forever (for now).

I've tried helping my mother make rotis since I was a child but for some reason my hands itch when I try rolling the dough. No, it's not an excuse.

Also, I'm very scared of fire. And that's not even a lie. Ask my friend Shivani. She lit the Bunsen burner for me in Chemistry class for two whole years in school.

What can I say? Life is hard.

So,
Dear Yoga cookie people,
It's going to take a while for you to be born out of my kitchen.
Sorry.

There's always hope.

by Alanna Cavanagh.

Thank You #5

Inspired by thxthxthx.
Concept & design by me. 
Photos by Akshaya.

Say Cheese

I have recently been trying to learn some serious photography from a friend.

Why? Well, I'm sort of an SLR Virgin.

And I think it would be interesting + I can jazz up the blog a little more + I got a fancy new camera for my birthday holding which makes me feel powerful. Powerful enough to pull off an evil laugh.

What is learning serious photography?

For me, it's basically learning how to use the manual features.
I constantly get tempted to slide the circular button to automatic but then stop myself for the fear of being a complete failure.

Since I hate failing at anything I decided to ask my friend to teach me some photography.

The friend was Kunal.
I've known him since 2004 which makes me wonder why I only recently started troubling him to teach me photography. He is a Graphic designer just like me but I think photography is his true love.

Since he is an artist, yes he can draw, but like me he hates being asked the one question we get asked by every person - Can you draw me? Like a portrait?
Umm.. I'd rather be at the dentist's clinic.
And Kunal? Well, cartoons are his specialty.

My first lesson:
It was on the weekend before Kunal's friend was directing a play for which he was making some props.
So when I went like a good student to learn photography for the first time, I was made to inhale white spray paint which was meant only for the wooden box in the room. This resulted in me looking like a dog, sticking my head out of the window for a very long time.

The paint gave delicate-me a cold and blocked the newly understood information from reaching my brain. But I will give it credit for having given me very good sleep that night.

The class only really lasted about 10 minutes since I'm a student who gets distracted very easily.

The rest of the time was spent in watching funny videos on youtube and me boring him with the unending stories of my life.

This happened twice.

And also involved a visit to the nearby petrol pump to pickup jim-jam biscuits and other such treats.

I am still learning. My photos are pretty bad. I've got a lot of practicing to do.

But till then have a look at Kunal's pictures.
He shoots with a Nikon D90 (but recommends a Canon).

It's the world through his lens.

I really love this series of photos he shot recently while traveling.
It's like he managed to make the sky, the sea and even some monuments pose for his pictures and Say Cheese.
Now you know why I get a huge complex when I take pictures with him.


Didn't get your fill?
Then have a look at Kunal's flickr page.
Looking forward to his website.


All pictures by Kunal Gagwani.

Trilo-gee if only it didn't end after 3 films

What's your favourite trilogy?

I watched the Bourne Trilogy again a few weekends ago. It's my favourite.

Watching it all at once makes it easier to connect the dots. Everything fits in so perfectly in the story. It's too bad that every girl who comes in contact with Bourne got a weird makeover. But Matt Damon with his easy intelligence and collection of passports is just perfect.

Which makes me think, in DDLJ (Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge) - one of the most famous Bollywood movies, did you really notice how in the end Kajol jumps onto the train with Shahrukh? All that running. Will she make it? Will she not? And then she does. And everyone's happy. And Anupam Kher starts singing le jayenge le jayenge. But, where's her passport?

Did anyone ever question it?

Kajol could learn a thing or two from Bourne.

Getting back to the point, trilogies are awesome.

But, every trilogy messes up somewhere. Usually it's the sequel.

Except in the case of the Terminator.

T2, as I dearly call it, was on my most watched movies list as a child.

"I'll be back" said in Arnold Shwarjfkjfjhsz's (however you spell that) semi Austrian-semi Robotic voice felt reassuring and made me feel protected.

The Matrix got it right in the first one.

They found The One and then it got messed up.

Is that how it always works?

Twilight was weird but good weird right? Wait, doesn't that have 4 parts?

What about Golmaal? 

No Comment.

And Lord of the Rings.

Yaaaaawnnn!

I just kept wondering how much time they spent in blowdrying their hair.

And what about The Godfather trilogy? If you regularly read my blog, you'll see quotes from The Godfather everywhere. But, it's been a while since I've watched it. And maybe it's time to watch it again.

And I never really got down to watching Star Wars. That's got an original trilogy, sequel trilogy and even a prequel trilogy. Do I have the time?

And then there was High School Musical.

I love it. Yes, I am super old for it. And super old to have the hots for Zac Efron even.

Sometimes his perfection is even a little disturbing.

But, I love the sing-along quality of it's songs.

Or maybe it's just me who sings along. Besides all the 10 year olds.
Is it time to pack my bags and head to Cougar town?

Unfortunately my obsession with High School Musical or just HSM is no secret.
My friend Shivani got me this keychain all the way from London.
And it doubles up as a torch.
Brilliant!

Jelly Belly

Hello.

How was your weekend?
Did you rush to one of those crazy July sales where you end up buying a lovely t-shirt and realise it has a hole in it when you get home?
Luckily that wasn't me.

My Sunday began as a lazy one but turned out to be pretty eventful.

I woke up and booked tickets on bookmyshow.com at 11am for a 12pm show of Delhi Belly.

I was lucky enough to get the last few tickets and managed to pack up my family in the car just in time and rushed for the movie.

Now, I had been told by my friend (of flowery clip gifting fame) not to sit in between my mother and grandmother while watching the movie like she had the previous day and warned me about facing some awkward moments.

I braced myself for 1 hour 45 minutes of awkwardness knowing that there wouldn't be an interval when I could stuff my face with popcorn which would hide my embarassed expressions since my face would be too busy looking circular.

So, I know I've been shuttling between playing food critic, film critic, celebrity critic and life advisor among many other unnecessary roles in my blog and I'm not sure if I ever get taken seriously with any of them but, who cares?

Here are my thoughts on Delhi Belly:

I won't get into the story like most film critics because I don't want to ruin it for you just the way noone did for me. So here's a little summary.

Acting : Good. Very natural. Loved all the characters. I even liked the girl (who played Maneka) who was the only actor I didn't recognise. And even though she reminded me a lot of this girl from school who I wasn't fond of but the boys were fond of (I'm sure you know what I mean), I still managed to like her.

Portrayal of 3 men living together: Couldn't be more real. Or more disgusting.

Story: Non-existent but still holds your attention.

Dialogues: Casually woven with 'bad words' but super hilarious.

Favourite dialogue: That's what you get when a donkey fucks a rickshaw. (Kunaal Roy Kapoor referring to the car gifted to Imran Khan by his daddy (father-in-law to be). 

Most relatable dialogue: Can you make the banana a little happier? By 7%? (Art director telling illustrator played by Vir Das how to make a small change which basically means make a whole new drawing and forget about your weekend).

Music: Very catchy. And with very honest lyrics.

How much did the seats rock with audience laughter?: More than a very turbulent flight.

And my grandmother's rating: 10/10

I loved the film. Absolutely loved it. It turned my sleepy Sunday morning into a super fun one. It felt as though the theatre had been filled with laughing gas.

The sex related scenes weren't too bad since I was prepared for the worst and my grandmother was too intoxicated with laughter and was just trying to breathe which left little scope for embarassing what-kind-of-movie-have-you-got-me-for stares.

I highly recommend watching Delhi Belly. I think I might just be watching it again very soon. 

The kind of music was just right for the film and was cleverly put into the movie as the background score.

Loved the completely pointless music video in the end.

Left the theatre in happy smiley mode.

And then it was time to go from Delhi Belly to Jelly Belly.

I had a super big lunch at Royal China - definitely more satisfying than Hakkasan + cheaper + you feel cool holding an Ipad menu for some reason.

Ate plenty of Chung fun and washed it down with a pot of green tea only to finish it off with a super creamy non-bitter Caramel custard.

What a day!

I got home to read Bossypants. I'm done with 50 pages already. Normally this is where I get bored and leave the book and wait for the movie (which is what happened with The Da Vinci Code, Eat Pray Love and many others). But, with this book I feel like I'm just getting started. I think I have a crush on Tina Fey. She's so weird and loveable. I prefer referring to her as lemon. And that's not just because I love referring to people who I love with fruit names. 

I read all about her weird childhood and the moment she realised she went from girl to woman (which in her case was some guy saying 'nice tits'). I was thinking about when I had my life changing moment. Couldn't think of one.

I hit page 50 and my eyelids collapsed like the shutters that go down on the few stores that are open on a Sunday afternoon. I felt drugged. The ajinomoto gave me some amazing sleep and then I woke up to watch the Wimbledon finals - Djoko (who ate some grass from the court when he won) vs. Nadal (who's famous for pulling his underwear out of his butt). Two little monkeys who I seem to love equally. Now I know what my mother feels when she says she loves both her daughters equally which I always thought was a lie.

So much love on this wonderful Sunday.

I'll leave you with a love song I heard yesterday which hasn't stopped playing in my head.

And I don't even want to press the stop button.

Shake that biscuit baby! Shake it for me.

Thank You #4

Inspired by thxthxthx.

Concept & design by me. 

Photos by Akshaya.

The Bar around the corner

I'm not a big drinker at all.
But I enjoy going to new bars every now and then, usually within a 7 minute radius of my house.
For McDonald's on Linking road, I do not fit into their 7 minute radius which has unfortunately thrown me off their home delivery list. Gone are the days when they called me to inform me about a change in their phone number.


Coming back to the point, I live in Bandra and these are the bars.
Janata (beer bar) - How shady is that? Obviously I have never been there.
Toto's - they think their Garage look is cool.
Elbo room - you sort of don't have any when you're there.


Or you go to a regular restaurant and order a boring drink.
Everything seems to be the same.
An El Bandida Cosmopolitan at Sancho's is just a Cosmopolitan with a Mexican name which seems to only excite silly girls like me.


And if you're at Royal China you quietly sip your Chinese tea while having some fun and a lot of Chung fun. They do serve wine there but the whole red with red meat and white with white meat doesn't really work in a Chinois restaurant.

Which brings me to the newly opened Ivy in Bandra.
It's come in place of Taco Fresco. Thank God for that.
With Sancho's down the road, Taco Fresco needed to do itself a favour and shut down.
So anyway, I went to Ivy last week with a couple of friends. Or rather friends who are a couple - so in love.
My friend (boy in the couple) later told me "I Love U2".
It made me think - was it the wine, does he enjoy being dangerous or am I just so loveable?
Well, he was talking about the band.


That night, we had a bottle of rosé.
Nice.
Cheap.
Which is awesome.


Especially when I have about 4 currencies in my wallet, which together amount to nothing.


The food is not bad either. I tried some last night. 
But, its pretty obvious that it's the wine that's pulling in the crowd.


So, if you're sad that Daniel Craig got married and need a drink, or want to celebrate because George Clooney's single again, you know where to go.


And incase you're wondering if it's a dry day today, here's some help.
If this website was a person, it would be a genius.


In other news: Häagen-Dazs has opened at Oberoi Mall today. One more reason to love Mumbai. Looking forward to some tooth and brain freeze this weekend.